When a woman is told her pregnancy is low-risk and there’s nothing to worry about, getting past the first trimester generally means they are out of the woods, so to speak. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case. Read this account of one woman who experienced the loss of a pregnancy at 24 weeks along and how she is managing to cope with the grief.

A Mother’s Story of Pregnancy Loss

July 22, 2014 – 24 weeks and 1 day pregnant: In my heart, I knew something was wrong; call it a mother’s intuition. You failed to show up for our designated time together the past two mornings. I would stroke my belly after my 7:30 a.m. shower and you would always respond with many loving kicks. I would tell you how much I loved you and how excited we were to meet you and I could tell you felt the same way.

I called the doctor and told her that I hadn’t felt you move in about 36 hours, they told me to wait 48 hours, but I insisted that something was off.

The Pain of Losing a Baby

The doctor agreed to see me at 2 p.m. on Wednesday, July 23. I went in with every intention of having the doctor see your heartbeat but I saw the ultrasound and you were lifeless, a floating entity that I would never feel alive again. My world shattered in that moment, I broke and will never be the same. One minute you were kicking, the next you were gone.

My first baby, my only baby and my future, just gone and without an explanation. The moment when my life fell apart will forever haunt me through recurring dreams and repetitive thoughts. Our life together was over before it had a chance to begin. All of the little clothes you would never wear, the toys you would never play with, just sitting at home awaiting an arrival that would never happen. You left me 10 days after the most magical baby shower honoring your upcoming life. You left me, after the doctor told me this was a low risk pregnancy, and to shout about it from the rooftops because we would be holding a perfect baby boy in November.

At first, I was in shock and thought there had to be a mistake. I demanded two more ultrasounds and the results were the same.

Stillbirth and Heartache

July 24, 2014, 11:03 p.m. – At 24 weeks and three days pregnant, I delivered my deceased baby. I couldn’t look at him, I couldn’t hold him. If I saw him, it meant I had to come to terms with the fact that he was actually dead. Following the birth, if you can even call it that, I laid in the hospital bed wondering how life could go on. Surely I would never genuinely smile again—what could ever make me happy again after such a tragic loss? How could I ever go back to work, cook dinner, do the laundry, or walk the dog after experiencing a stillbirth?

  • On July 26, I walked the dog.
  • On July 31, I did the laundry.
  • On August 11, I went back to work.
  • On September 5, I cooked dinner.

These menial tasks were my tiny accomplishments.

Dealing With and Talking About Pregnancy Loss

October 14, 2014 – 12 weeks post-stillbirth: The aftermath of losing a baby is not something I would wish on anyone. Every pregnancy announcement, baby and pregnant woman I see hurts so much. I know this will get better over time, but right now it is all so painful. The silence hurts the most, but every counselor and therapist told me to expect this and forgive people for not knowing how to react or for thinking that because 12 weeks has passed, I should be better.

There is a part of me that will never be better and I have accepted that fact. As time passes, I will get stronger but the ache in my heart will always be there. G-d willing, I will have more children but they will never replace my first son. My next pregnancy will not be easy; making it past the first trimester will provide no relief. When I have my healthy baby in my arms, that is when I will genuinely smile again. 

Sharing and Therapeutic Support for Coping with Loss

At the Blossom Method, you’re not alone. We’ve built our practice on the notion that women who are experiencing issues with pregnancy loss, infertility, loss of an infant, and other reproductive issues. We offer one-on-one therapy, couples counseling, group sessions, and parent-to-parent support groups. No matter what you are dealing with and what you need support coping with, we’re prepared to find the right solution for you. Contact us today.